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Grown Folk Business **HUMP DAY EDITION**

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There are things I like and there are things I absolutely love. High on the list of things I love is SEX. DISCLAIMER: If you know me personally and wish to kill all visuals, stop reading. If you're embarrassed by the thought of some strange woman discussing knocking boots, stop reading. If you're my Mommy (yes, I still call my mother that), STOP READING!!!!

Now that all of that's out the way, let's get started. Nothing excites me more (pun intended) than the act itself or even thinking about the act (reading or writing about it is also included...watching it, not so much). But last week, I came across one of the most depressing articles regarding marital sex that I've ever read. It was about the sex lives of couples with quotes from mostly unhappy, hopeless, sexually frustrated husbands and wives. Y'all. I swear I wanted to bottle up some extra strength pheromones and send it to every last person who offered their insight. It was DEPRESSINGLY sad and pitiful. Then I thought about my own life. I don't get as much boot knocking action as I did before the kid joined the family *cue Kevin from “Home Alone” with his hands on his cheeks, mouth and eyes wide open*. Shat.

Parents, married couples, married parents, single folks! Why are we not screwing to our full potential!?! Where have we gone wrong? Why are we just opting not to smash at all? Why are we doing the same played out things and positions when we're bored with them instead of trying new things? Why are we letting our punannies and peters collect dust? (Overly dramatic) Whyyyyy???

I live for those mornings and nights when I have to search for my “draws” because my husband or I flung them somewhere while in the throes of passion. But why am I having less of those nights and mornings? Well I'm gonna give you an answer. Because parents of toddlers are perpetually tired, dammit! By the time we get moments alone (because even going to the bathroom unsupervised by a 3 year old is impossible) we are spent and only interested in whatever other adult activity comes to mind that requires no noise, exertion, contortion, or sweating.
Luckily for my husband, my desire for him hasn't waned at all, just my energy (thanks Grey and anemia). I'm still as sex crazed as I was before marriage and childbirth, fake dry humping his leg while he's trying to check work emails on his phone and all. He's still as handsome to me now as he was when we met back in 2005. But timing, energy levels, and life gets in the way of “sessy” time. ‘So what's your solution?’ you ask. Reinvent the zamn wheel! For the sake of not embarrassing my easily embarrassed other half, I'm not gonna share personal stories (yet...just kidding) BUT I will tell y'all there are so many ways to MMSGA (make marital sex great again)! For instance, schedule a grown up night. PLAN IT! Find a sitter, put it on the calendar, make it an event. Scheduled boning sounds crazy as hell, but it's worth it if living life like the people in that God forsaken article is the alternative! The build up to that night for however many days before it happens could be fun! The flirting, shit talking, all of that can take you back to the days when you woke up in the middle of the night to warm tongue in places you hadn't considered, interrupting your dreams of Idris Elba or Halle Berry feeding you strawberries dipped in chocolate fondue. I just need us all to be happily smashing. If you ask me, world peace is found between our legs. People would have less time to be mad if they were boning. Hahahaha!

So don't be afraid to think outside the box (pun intended there, too) when it comes to intimacy in your marriage. Spice it up, have fun, but most of all, enjoy each other! Life's short! Sometimes we can lose sight of our partners in the midst of parenthood, work, adulting, and trying to maintain some sense of autonomy. Taking them for granted can happen so quickly that sometimes we won't even recognize it for what it is. This is when trouble can arise. Nobody wants THOSE problems. Remember what y'all did to woo each other while dating and use YOURSELVES (this is important) as a reference. Connections don't always have to be physical either. There are days when we just want to cuddle and have adult conversation without Paw Patrol or Odd Squad as the soundtrack. But on the days that you are square ready!?! Happy humping!

Aforementioned article to follow. Prepare yourselves. These people made me want to eat a pint of Ben & Jerry's while singing "My Heart Will Go On." (It's also linked above, but if you're a copy and paste kinda reader...) You have been warned:

Note: This post is intended to be lighthearted and not insensitive by any means. I do understand that there are other mitigating factors (physical or mental illnesses, postpartum issues, PCOS, erectile dysfunction, prior relationship issues that haven't been addressed, abuse, etc) that may contribute to sexual decline. I get it! We can discuss that too if you want! Just let me know on Instagram or Twitter @yourartcrush 

Painting: "Sutra" by Me 

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